An Emotionally Volatile Day For Me Today

by Texas Homesteader ~

Today as I do each year, I tiptoe into a powerfully emotional & volatile day. It’s the anniversary of the day I kicked breast cancer to the curb. First & foremost, I Praise God for my healing!

I’m grateful for my health but… this particular day each year just always sends me into pretty hard emotional turmoil.

Fear, dread, maybe survivor’s guilt? I don’t know, but it grips me each year. Hard.

As I celebrate the anniversary of the day I kicked breast cancer to the curb, I'm racked emotionally with some powerful feelings. #TexasHomesteader

Is It EVER Over?

That cancer diagnosis is the hardest thing I’ve ever endured. It’s the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. And I don’t feel it’s EVER over.

I’m wringing my hands at each oncologist visit. Will he find something this time? Will this awful disease have returned? What if…

Gratitude

So as I take a deep breath to prepare for the emotions of the day, I praise God for walking with me each step of the way. I keep this pocket cross in the lipstick pocket of my jeans every day to remind me that no matter what, He is with me.  And I place it on the alter at each communion giving thanks to Him for his faithfulness and His presence throughout the whole awful ordeal.

Pocket cross. Faith. As I approach the anniversary of the day I kicked breast cancer to the curb, I'm racked emotionally with some pretty powerful feelings. #TexasHomesteader

I’m thankful for my healing, and for RancherMan’s unfaltering devotion & care before, during & after my surgeries. I’m tremendously blessed by those who have stood by me and lifted me up as I trod that fearful path.

And I pray for peace for others who have heard those awful words, “You have cancer“. Yet I weep at the precious lives lost to this awful disease.

Yes, There Is Hope. But There Is Also Fear

For those just now going through the beginning steps, those who are gripped with fear & numbed with uncertainty:

I understand.

And I offer my heartfelt love & prayer as you go through your own journey. I pray that you’re able to lean on your faith for comfort & strength. And I hope that like me, you accept that gift of that grace as well as the love & support from angels here on earth to help you through it.

~TxH~

More about my healing journey:

In Sickness & In Health

Witness In The Strangest Places

The Garden That LOVE Planted

Pretty In Pink: Going Too Far?

Relay For Life = HOPE

See All My Stories About Cancer Survival

 

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12 thoughts on “An Emotionally Volatile Day For Me Today

  1. Patty

    I couldn’t read your post the other day because I am currently going through it now. I had lung cancer and a lump in my throat. I had 18 chemo treatments, 4 blood transfusions, 4 fluid transfusions, caught shingles, 10 radiation treatments to my brain (small cell lung cancer travels and usually to the brain, 10 radiation treatments to my neck and 30 to my chest. I didn’t even have 3 months of remission before they found a spot on my liver so 5 more radiation treatments. In a real fluke when they did a scan, it traveled to my brain and they found 3 spots. It is either brain cancer or small strokes from the radiation. I went for more scans today and will see my chemo doctor tomorrow and the neurologist next week. It is like an axe hanging over your head always. My husband fought cancer for 3 years and was just declared cancer free last month. I will remember you in my prayers.

    Reply
  2. Nancy

    Hey Tammy,
    I feel for you and send prayers. I had a HUGE support system when I went through mine. They say some dogs can smell it. I think mine could. Before I found the lump he suddenly decided he would sleep on my bed with me. As soon as I had my surgery he went back to the floor beside my bed. But he was always close. He never whined when we missed puppy playtime. And after my chemo when I started feeling less tired and took him for walks, when I let him off leash he never went as far as he had prior to that time. I have a best friend who came over every Thursday (chemo day) and take me out to dinner. I had friends who took me to doctors appointments. And cooked for me. My son who worked swing shift stepped up for me. I remember so much as if it was yesterday. Emotional memories are the ones that stay with us. Yes, my heart goes out to you and many others who have, “been there” or are going through it right now. We truly are a sisterhood.

    Reply
    1. Texas Homesteader Post author

      A support system like that does help ease the burden and comforts the heart, Nancy. But you’re so right, “Emotional memories are the ones that stay with us”. Little by little I’m putting it behind me. But this anniversary always hits hard, especially since I have loved ones still fighting it! ~TxH~

      Reply
  3. candace ford

    Tammy,
    It is always amazing to me to realize the enormity of the number of us breast cancer survivors. I’m sure any cancer diagnosis is as terrifying as this one. I have done the Susan Komen race (walk in my case) for the cure in Portland Oregon – to see all of these women, children and men – some carrying signs about a loved one stolen from their lives by cancer – is just numbing! I, too, had two surgeries. The first to confirm (hoping of course for the other option) the diagnosis and the 2nd to take a larger margin of healthy tissue to be sure the cancer was all gone. Of course after the 1st surgery I waited to hear the hoped for “non malignant” answer from the doc, but that didn’t come and it was back to the operating table. Then came the grueling months of chemo and radiation therapies. I was so cold all the time – I would wrap up in a blanket and sit out on the deck in a lawn chair in the midday sun and had to wear a stocking hat to bed. The birdman who lives with me was just great – goes to show that not everyone in this world is just about looks and appearance. At big places like Costco he could spot me across the store – short woman with a white baseball hat. Not as easy now just short woman with grey hair. There are many things in my corner of the world to be grateful for but I have to give thoughts and prayers to people all over the globe who don’t have that. Blessings to all!

    Reply
  4. Patti

    June 1, 2000 I had an emergency bilateral mastectomy. I had just had a mammogram 3 months prior and everything was “okay” but it wasn’t okay for me. I knew something was wrong and on that June 1st day I woke up in a pool of blood. Both milk ducts burst and 6 hrs later, blood transfusion, I woke feeling like a train hit me head on. I’ve learned to listen to my gut and don’t take no for an answer, it has paid off several times since. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and everyone who faces this horrible disease. We can put the man on the moon, we certainly can do better than what we have now. Hugs to you Tammy, you’re not alone!! Love, Patti

    Reply
    1. Texas Homesteader Post author

      Thank you, sweet girl, for your encouraging words. I know today should be filled with joy for me. Joy for my healing and for the many blessings I witnessed during my own journey. But for some reason it’s gripping turmoil every year on this day and it’s actually quite puzzling to me. I’ve learned to accept the feelings of today as I pray for the many warrior sisters going through this fearful journey too. Tales of hope and encouragement such as yours help not only me, but others going through it. Thank you for sharing. XOX ~TxH~

      Reply

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