by Texas Homesteader ~
Five years ago today I said “Goodbye and good RIDDANCE” to breast cancer. It was one of the darkest and most scary times in my life. And yet, one of my most blessed times as well. Sound odd? Believe me, it does to me too. But I guess sometimes when you’re at the lowest and most fearful point in your life, things happen.
But I’ll admit that today on the anniversary of that day, well this is an intensely emotional day for me. Although I praise God for my healing, I find I’m still tearful even after this long for experiencing such an intense time in my life. I still find I can’t talk about it without breaking into tears and I know I fall way short of writing what’s in my heart.
But I remember it like it was yesterday. Leading up to that day 5 years ago, I’d prayed fervently for God to give me the strength, peace & courage to get through it. And I’d prayed for those things Hard.
Doctor’s visit after doctor’s visit. Painful test after test. Fear the wracked my heart so hard that I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Over & over I prayed. “Oh God, please give me strength. Give me courage!”
But as my surgery date of April 12th got closer & closer I was puzzled. God had never failed me before. Even during other hard times in my life when I’d prayed for strength, I was always given it. But here I am about to go through a major surgery lasting several hours that would change me forever, I didn’t feel brave. I didn’t feel confident. I didn’t feel unafraid. Why?
Then I reflected on those days leading up to this day. Oh the many angels had tended to me, but I was too enveloped in fear to see it for what it was.
There were angels from my church that stopped by with food for RancherMan & me. And there were cards of comfort that filled my mailbox to overflowing. Many calls of encouragement were made and love was shared freely.
And one day as I was standing in the exam room about to get a biopsy and tumor marker in preparation for surgery, the technician sensed my fear. As she walked by she stopped and touched my arm. “Are you a Christian?” she asked.
Surprised at the shift from all the medical lingo I was bombarded with just minutes before, I enthusiastically said “YES, oh yes I am!” Then she stepped a little closer and looking directly into my eyes she said “Give it to God. Nothing is too big for Him.”
Wow. As tears welled up in my eyes I knew she was right.
And of course there were friends & family that gathered around RancherMan & me heading toward that frightening day. Even family members who love me but are more comfortable at affection’s arms length were openly supportive & loving. They were there with me on the day of surgery and they waited in the waiting room all those hours until the surgery was over.
And in my recovery room my mom presented me with a pewter pocket cross. You see, when someone in my family is going through a trial in their lives whether with an illness, a family situation, financial troubles, etc., we carry a tiny cross in our pocket to remind us that we are not alone. That He is always with us.
This pocket cross is in my pocket every day now. And it’s also laid on the prayer rail each and every communion Sunday as I give the glory to God for it all. For the love I received, for the angel’s touch, for the healing, and for the true colors in others I’d have never seen otherwise.
Leading up to that day I’d been curious as to why God hadn’t held me up as I’d fully expected Him to. But I realize that He DID! God’s ways don’t always look the ways we mere mortals think they will. But He sent His angels in those fearful days. And yes, I felt the loving embrace directly from God Himself.
Thank you Lord for being faithful to me. And thank you for my healing!